Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Road Ahead

I walk a lonesome path, if anybody was to follow. I live a lonesome life, if anybody was to look. I'm a lonesome person, if anybody wanted to know. I have love in my heart that I allow. When the words were softly spoken, my world shook. What you see isn't always what it is, to you it may not always show. The followers, the lookers, the nosey people around. They would all be wrong as I sit with this smile on my face. Yes, beneath me one pair of footprints on the ground. I'm never really alone in any place. My thoughts are always shared, my love always given back. My heart full of song, my mind is at ease. I don't need you to give me your slack. My baby loves me and for you that is just a tease. Let them follow, let them look, let them pry inside of me. When their mouth drops open and their mind starts turning. It will be only then that I really let them see. For lonesome I am not, there is a future I am yearning. I am never alone, I have love inside. I am never alone, I have a hand to hold. Side by side and hand in hand. We walk a path unknown to you but with heads held up with all our pride. Together to the future, so bright, so full of hope and oh so bold. Don't give me your pitty or try to advise. Trust, that when I speak of this in my life. There are no moments when you hear sad cries. For I am taken, I am SOMEbody's wife. The road ahead unknown and unpaved. The road behind full of bumps and turns. Our love is strong it shall never fade. Walk your own path, and may your too learn.
What being loved is really about.
When you do, then you shall see.
What this life of love means to me.

Monday, November 23, 2009


As I look at the majestic sky As tears fall from my eyes I know you and I were meant to be I only wish I could make you see How much your love means to me I wish I could walk up to you And whisper the words that lovers do But now I sit here sad and blue Wishing I could be with you.

Thursday, November 12, 2009


When I need inspiration I look into your eyes So full of love and adoration Every day a new surprise Your gentle ways and caring touch Melt my heart to the core Hoping you feel my love as much Each touch leaving me wanting more The soft sensual of your voice Rings deep inside my mind Leaving you is not a choice Moving a head and not behind You are my inspiration My light in the darkest of times Full of love and admiration Easing my heart and my mind

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Gut Reactions?

There are times in your life when you are overcome by emotions that you just react instead of thinking. Sometimes that is good, like when you get the overwhelming desire to kiss your lover and before you know it you have them in your arms in a passionate embrace kissing deeply. Other times, your reaction could hurt not only your partner but yourself. I know this, I felt this. I've been through so much with my partner, so many ups and down and trivial things happened and through it all, my faith and my love never wavered never faultered. Everything we have been through always made us stronger together. Yet every now and then I let my emotions run before I can catch up to them and pull them back into order. Out of my mouth flies the first that pops into my head and heart and it isn't pretty. My first instinct when something really seems to hurt me deep inside, is to run. I've learned not to run as a first option, I've not wanted to run in a long time. Now if only I could get my mouth to stay shut when something hurts deep down, I might be able to stop their hurt from happening. I am not so much worried about my own hurt, I am pretty good at keeping it inside and not letting it ruin the moment or day, most times.. other times, well.. it isn't pretty. I usually end up questioning myself and doubting myself more than ever. Sometimes saying sorry doesnt seem like enough, its those moments when I wonder how I can fix their heart make them better make them see, I love them and need them and can't live with out them. One day..

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I dont even know where to start, first let me say the one who holds my heart means more to me that anything else, not only does she hold my hand and tell me all the wonderful things any woman would love to hear but I have to question my own thoughts and feelings because tonight i sat and I cried and cried and hurt and hurt and nothing that I could do could stop the pain i felt swelling up in m chest, actions speak louder than words and the smallest action echos through the valleys and hills and resonates in my head.. what would it be like if I were you and you were me and I was doing what you do how would you feel? would you question where my love laid and why i had to do the things I do if I always said you were enough? I've given everything I possibly can considering the circumstances, I have always let you be, what would yu do if you were me? So much has happened tonight so many bricks have been crushed in my wall, all in all... at the end of the day I am alone and your actions always speak louder than your words, no matter what I do will I ever EVER be enough or will yu always find a reason to be another, you always need to be somebody, when are you going to be just mine? That is all I ever want, to be just mine, but as life goes on and days pass by, I lose hope that I will ever be enough for anybody, even you no matter what you say, actions speak louder than words, they always have, they always will, even as my heart breaks in a million pieces and yu pick them up and put them back together, each little lie, each little touch to somebody else, everything you do, makes me feel like the biggest fool. I loved you then, I love you now. I will Love you all our tomorrows, I just want to know, what would you do if you were me and I were you doing what YOU do... Actions even the smallest action speaks louder than any word

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

What do you do?

What do you do when you feel your world slipping away? Your heart feels shattered and your soul is no longer your own? Who do you run to, who do you talk to? Do you pray it all gets better and easier? Do you return to a past and tell them what a mistake it was to let them go, do you tell them what happened and ask to have them back in your life? What do you do, where do you go? Whose holding you when you have nothing left to hold on to?

Monday, November 2, 2009

I..wish, want, dream List

Normally I never state what it is I want or would like to have. I normally make sure that the kids get all they want. This year, I have decided to make a dream list for a few reasons. 1. Lost weight, need sexier clothes (yay me!) 2. It is time that I do for myself as well as for my children 3. It is my year So that being said.. this blog will be filled with things I want, not necessarily need, just want. If I can I will attach photos of things. First off since I lost 35 lbs I want new clothes and yes, I have found some to start me off with the sexy feelings I am aiming for. They are froma store called Torrid, it deals in clothes for the bigger women in life. I may have lost 35 lbs but I am far from the super model type as far as body goes. this is an halter/belt New Addition to list::: Not sure what it is lately but I am loving these types of dresses!

again, who wouldnt feel sexy? I like these tops That is all on the clothing front.. for now :-)

I really want to move into a new state, anywhere but Ohio! Warmer would be nice. Any ideas?

Because I love cooking and my knives are pretty flimsy.. i want the Ronco knive set Because I love to read I want my bookshelf to have the following books: Dan Brown ~ Lost Symbol P. C. Cast ~ Tempted; Hunted; Untamed; Chosen; Betrayed and Marked Kelley Armstrong ~ Frostbitten; Summoning; Living with the dead; No Humans Involved; Haunted; Industrial Magic and Dime Store Magic This desk is very practical for me. I like being orgainized and at 100 bucks it isnt a bad price either. A nice soft comfortable rocking chair. As my list grows and my wants come to me I will add more or take away as I get them. Let's see how much I can accomplish :-)

Missing You

Missing you

My heart aches within from missing you My lips long for the feel of kissing you Right now all I need is to gently touch your skin To look into yoru eyes from deep within Just one warm embrace Just to look upon your face From the one I love so much If I could gaze upon your smile For even jsut a little while To know that you miss me too As I am laying here, crying for you To hear the sound of your breath Knowing you didnt really leave To see you walk up to me Then embrace you tenderly To just be with the one who has sent my heart reeling And brought about this down pour of emotions and feeling I've told you many thoughts that weren't borrowed or bought And in a lifetime, who would have thought That I have found someone was meant just for me I can't explain the magic or why this should be But there is something I know for certain That this just ain't over till the down falls the final curtain For I've seen angel and I want you to know It's my choice to make, I'll never let you go. Don't know what life holds, maybe there is no reason or rhyme To think you may be mine all of the time And though I can't touch yiou and now we are apart My love, you will forever dwell so deep with my soul and heart.


Hours feel like days, the memories fill my mind. My heart laying before me in a million pieces as my tears fall down upon the papers that I started writing on. All the words are blurred all the i's dotted with tears. I miss my love myheart my all and I can only sit and wonder why I lost the one I truly belong to. What have I done, where do I go? A love so strong and pure and true and real is gone. I have once again failed at being the one. I hold true to dreams that one day she will return to me. Tell me she loves me that I am hers and she is mine. I sit and think about all the plans we made for when it is our time and I cry, I sit and think about all we have gone through and I cry, I can't stop, I have tried. Her love is forever embedded on my soul. I feel her, I breathe her, I love her. Wishing As I look out at the majestic sky As tears fall from eyes I know you and I were meant to be I only wish I could make you see How much your love means to me I wish I could walk up to you And speak the words lovers do But now I sit here sad and blue Wishing that I could be with you

Friday, October 30, 2009

Heart Soul Body Mind

I give to you my heart I give it to you freely For this is only a start In return for the love you gave me I give to you soul I give it with out demand For you mended me two fold And kept ahold of my hand I give to you my body Oh how your touch melts me Never feeling shoddy Pleasures roll over me like waves in the sea I give to you mind You opened it like a book Your love I'll never confine To think, it started with one look

Thursday, October 22, 2009

My dearest love

Sometimes I cry when I am happy I laugh when I am scared I'm quiet when I am at peace or go crazy when nothing is wrong Sometimes I am extra sappy I come forward with emotions bared I sigh with a happy release Knowing all was right all along I know I drive you crazy At times you want to scream I'm as gentle as can be Loving you as you love me Never let my love seem hazey You are my perfect dream Just say you will forever love me Knowing this will pass, you'll see I have my moments when things Overwhelm and consume my mind Sometimes only I can understand Sometimes only I can make it stop I can never be a puppet on strings Or walk around being blind even as the waves hit the sand Forever know my love for you i'll never swap Just bare with me and believe in me Knowing the moments never mean my love for you has changed or faded It's a lot stronger today than the day before Smile at me and hold my hand, you'll see this feeling won't last long and all will be supreme I never want you to feel lost or jaded I will forever love you each day more and more. I am your baby girl you are my papa bear we stay side by side hand in hand Facing the world this love isnt to share Yes I know I have my stubborn pride But I will never stop loving my husband. Baby, forgive my foolish self. I know I drive you crazy and for the first time since forever, you admitted that I fustrate the hell out of you and when you said it out loud... I had to stop and not say anything because, I thought "oh god, It's gone to far" and it scared me to think what that meant so I didnt try to think on it. I know I have really high emotions as it is and sometimes they are a lot higher. Sometimes when I say I am okay, and I may not really be but I know in my heart it is only my emotions getting the better of me and I dont need for you to feel bad or get upset over it, and i know i just need a few minutes and maybe a little holding and cuddling to get over it. I love you and I never want you to feel bad for having a life or being busy or or or... we dont do that, we never have. Just need for you to trust me when I say I am okay because if it was something really upsetting me we would talk, but if it is just my hormones then I dont want to worry you over it. I am so very sorry love. I dont want you to feel like you hve to walk on eggshells with me. It really isn't like that. I love you baby, my sweet sweet papa bear. Sleep well knowing I am holding you all night close to me feeling your love and your kisses on my skin. I am now and forever, your baby girl loving you loving me FAAD NMW yours xoxo

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

You're My Best Friend Lyrics ~ Tim McGraw

For you baby, all for you. (Even thought it is not something I wrote, I changed it for you love)
I never had anyone I could count on Ive been let down so many times I was tired of hurtin So tired of searchin til you walked into my life It was a feelin Id never known And for the first time I didnt feel alone Youre more than a lover There could never be another To make me feel the way you do Oh we just get closer I fall in love all over Everytime I look at you I dont know where Id be Without you here with me Life with you makes perfect sense You're my best friend my best friend, oh yeah You stand by me And you believe in me Like nobody ever has When my world goes crazy You're right there to save me You make me see how much I have And I still tremble When we touch And oh the look in your eyes When we make love You're more than a lover There could never be another To make me feel the way you do Oh we just get closer I fall in love all over Everytime I look at you And I dont know where Id be Without you here with me Life with you makes perfect sense You're my best friend You're my best friend You're more than a lover There could never be another To make me feel the way you do Oh we just get closerI fall in love all over Everytime I look at you And I dont know where Id be Without you here with me Life with you makes perfect sense You're my best friend You're my best friend (my best friend) You're my best friend (my best friend)


by fear, every now and then, I feel it start in the pit of my stomach by fear, as it slowly moves upward, I lose a breath here and there by fear, as my heart begins to slow its beating, as if being strangled by fear, of words that just come out wrong or at the wrong time and my sensitive self goes right into fear of unknown. by love, your touch begins to sooth the trembling in my stomach by love, your touch begins to calm me and I can breathe again by love, your touch begins to soothe my soul and my heart beats steady once more by love, of words you speak to me in such a way that all my scares and fears melt away by love, your love, the love that has cared and cherished me this past year by love, your love, you always seem to know when to rub my heart a little more. There is no denying that what we have we never expected. What do we do? Where do we go? How can we make this easy, can it be easy? How can I live a day with out hearing from you. I am so spoiled. I've spent one night too many away from you, it scares me to think I have to again. I am sorry I am not that strong, I am sorry I didnt run from this. Instead I held on and I embraced it, your love, our life.. and what a wonderful joyous life we have with so much love and respect for each other. I love you, FAAD darlin, never wavering, never straying, only growing stronger and deeper for nobody but YOU. Yours xoxo

Friday, September 25, 2009

A promise and A Kiss

When I close my eyes at night Softly whispering into the air Even though you are out of my sight Take a breath and know I am there There is no distance to far for me My love is strong and true No ocean to wide and neither the sea Can keep me from loving you My heart is yours I promise this My love will never fade or end My promise to you sealed with a kiss For not only my lover but my best friend My darlin heart, There are many time when through out my day you are on my mind and in my thoughts. As I walk down the street or do my shopping, I always wonder how we would be together in public. I dream of you holding my hand and kissing me every chance you get. I think about laying with you at night and being the last thing I see, then to wake in the morning and see your gorgeous face. I dream of the day when it will never end, when I am with you and never have to leave. We have a great love story building, one for the books to be sure. I've never loved so hard and strong as I love you my darling. You are not only my lover, my husband my companion, but my best friend, my other. You are the half that makes me whole the one I belong to, I can not fathom not having you some how or some way in my life every day. Please I ask this of you now, stay mine, stay forever, keep me always and know that my love for you will always be, for you only. Love your baby girl your devoted wife Me

Monday, September 21, 2009

You The one I love With all I am I am all yours Never have I ever thought I could love somebody so much as I love you. All I wish to do is make you happy. To try and be all you need. To be enough for you, to be able to satisfy your needs. I know our time is not now, but it will be and I hold on to that, close to my heart. I love you, wth every fiber of my being, I am in love with you. So very much in love wiht you.

Saturday, July 25, 2009


are the reason I smile. Turn the lights down low, turn the music on and lets sway slowly together as the moon cascades across the night sky and our shadows move rhythmically together with us. Our love surrounds our space as we entwine our bodies together, dancing, loving and always comes back to what matters most. Us.

Love Notes

I love you. You are the air I breathe, the tears I shed, the love I feel and the love I give. You are everything I need and want. My heart, mind body and soul are yours. Through all our life, no matter the situation, I love you and I always will. I am now and forever, your baby girl xoxo

Monday, July 13, 2009

Dear Timmy

Dear Timmy, Today is July 13, 2009. I got the phone call last night telling me you are gone. I miss you. You were like an older brother to me. You and I had talked numerous times about everything, life love death.. and now you are gone. You promised me you would be alright that you would call me and we were suppose to have coffee today. We should be sitting at star bucks right now drinking coffee and talking. When you smiled you lit up the whole room. Your laugh was contagious and your heart enormous.. and yourgift has been taken away from those who loved you very much. I will miss you my dear friend, and I know where ever you are you are with out pain and you are watching over me like you always did. ~ Go rest high on that Mountain ~ it's so hard to say good bye Love always, Your friend Me

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

New meaning to spicing up your sex life

Wanted to post a previous blog from an old account onto the new site.. Enjoy OK, so you're walking down a main street in your's a bit busy today but you can't help but to over hear a conversation that just makes you laugh so hard..It goes something like this... Girl one: "I just don't know..the sex seems so boring lately" Girl two: "Have you tried spicing it up?" Girl one: "No he wont use food during sex" In my head "OMFG is she serious..laughing my ass off!!!!" I really believe this is not what the first girl meant..but then I started to think...hmm what spices would you use to "spice" up your sex life? So i started investigating other things on the web..not those magazines who say they talked to 100 men and this is what they want..pfft whatever..if more men really wanted that...then more women would be happy with the way they look and wouldn't try so hard to please a man..such a load of crap really.. but we go.. Cinnamon given to a man is suppose to make his sperm taste sweet...supposedly making us girls want to give oral more often..have not tried this because I am single in RL and wont do this on a random guy..but supposedly he has to eat cinnamon a few times during the week before this takes effect... Nutmeg is suppose to boost the male libido, according to research at Aligarh University in if he lacks sexual desire...feed him some nutmeg..maybe a glass of eggnog sprinkled with nutmeg 5 times a week..i don't get it either...but it's gotta be cheaper than the little blue pill eh? Or if he likes's an ingredient in curry so cook up a nice dinner laced with nutmeg and enjoy the effect. If ya search google for sex and spices you get some very odd I suggest you to read em and see if any strike your fancy..who knows..maybe there is an ingredient out that that will make him a God at making love and maybe...just won't have to fake it the next time around..

Finding yourself

Sometimes in life things happen and you have no control over them, but when it happens you take a step back and look at your life from an outside point of view..It's amazing what you find when you do that. Every now and then it takes a life changing experience to make that happen. When you do, you look at yourself in a different way..and you think..where did I go? Where have I been? Why has it taken so long to get back to me? Then you isn't about pleasing everybody you meet..but pleasing yourself..making you happy like you use to before drama started to break you down. You make the decision right there and then..this time around it's gonna be you who is happy...and you remember...those who mind don't matter those who matter don't mind. A few favorite quotes I have heard over time.. If I am not worth the wooing I damn sure ain't worth the winning. Too much of a good thing can be wonderful I'm selfish, impatient, and a lil' insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle but if you can't take me at my WORST then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my BEST!! Never regret anything that made you smile. Love like you never been hurt, smile like you are up to something, live like there is no tomorrow and enjoy each day as if you will live forever. *~*Never give up on yourself...always believe in you..if you don't then nobody else will. You are your own biggest fan, love yourself before anybody else and know that with a little bit of faith, you can move moutains...*~*

Monday, June 22, 2009

Fears, phobias and the humor of it looking from the out side in

Okay okay, in my old blog I had posted a blog that joked about fears and over coming them. I will copy that post here.. but I have to say this.. I am terrified of centipedes, they are unnatural and gross and freak me out! I am very serious here.. there is no way in the world that I can ever have sex with those things around me.. OMG eeww eeww.. I bring this up because the other night I was sitting outside talking to a neighbor and one crossed over my foot and I screamed and told her it was time for me to go in the house.. I HATE THOSE THINGS! Here is the post:: Ok so I was watching an episode of Monk ( and if you know anything about know he has tons of fears. So I got to thinking, how would I over come one of my biggest fears? I figure I would do something I absolutely love doing while doing something I fear. Lose you yet? Ok check this out.... My biggest fear..heights. I am scared to death of heights. I see it on TV when they do the shot off the side of the building my knees get weak. I see a shot out the side of an airplane I get sick to my stomach. I am that afraid of heights...But what do I love doing more than being afraid of heights? Why sex of course. I love sex especially when the man is good at it. Oh yes ladies, we all know men like that..the kind who rocked your world and every time you think of him you get all flabergasted and could cream jus thinking about it.(YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) So I figure it like this maybe I can talk the owners of the tallest building in my city into letting me go up on the roof top and have sex, I would be able to conquer my fear of heights and have an orgasm..and who knows maybe the best sex in my life!!!! So I tell a few people my plans and I get questions..what if you have a fear of spiders and snakes? I don't see having sex in a snake pit of spider web..what you do is get a glass box big enough for 2 with snakes and spiders crawling on the outside of the are perfectly safe from them.. Yes incase you can't tell..if you really enjoy sex and it is done right, it may help you cure your fears. Or I just wanted a reason to write about things and include sex in it. My friend asked what about if you fear clowns? You have sex with a clown? No way...having sex with a clown is just creepy and besides..they taste funny if you give them oral and kissing them is just odd.. they wear more lipstick than you do. Then you get their make up all over your face then you go down to give them oral and you pull back and their multicolored and then you start laughing and ruin the whole thing...No to cure your fear of clowns you dont have sex with have sex around them...have clown sheets, clown pictures I wouldnt have a real clown around though...that is creepy too. If you are afraid of it and really put some thought into it, you can probably have sex to cure it.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

For my pal...smiles

I cannot ease your aching heart, Nor take your pain away; But let me stay and take your hand And walk with you today. I'll listen when you need to talk, I'll wipe away your tears; I'll share your worries when they come, I'll help you face your fears. I'm here and I will stand by you ,On each hill you have to climb; So take my hand, let's face the world... And live just one day at a time. You're not alone, for I'm still here, I'll go that extra mile; And when your grief is easier, I'll help you learn to smile!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Somebody turn off the damn heat!

She walks into the room a smile on her face, the wind is blowing a nice cool breeze. She sways her hips walks with her head up. Smiling at the children as she passes them in play. She turns the corner.. OMFG.. who turned on the heat? She is dizzy, sweating.. feels like she is on fire.. her palms are clammy, her eyes unfocused.. she sits.. doesnt matter where.. the nearest sturdy place.. ah yes the floor.. solid, unmoving.. lean against the wall and slide to the floor.. Dear Lord, these have to pass.. yes sweating in summer is normal.. when it is hot.. but to sweat just to sweat? Give me the cold showers, the fan in the winter, keep me cool don't let me lose my cool. Give me my evening primrose and vitamin E's.. just stop turning up the damn heat!
They say men are the cause to our problems because everything major happening to us has the word man or his in it..
MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist
and when its a REAL problem...
but I recently heard a man tell a friend.. you know they named it right MEN O PAUSE, cause when those hot flashes start.. that is exactly what we do.. We don't go near them till it's over.. we pause.. Men O Pause is the right name.. I laughed.. I thought.. pause hell, just stop in your tracks turn around and walk away, if you value your life.
So I say again.. I can take the yelling kids, I can take the mood swings, just give me the cool showers, give me the pills, give me a day with out turning from sweet to bitch in less than 3 seconds.. just turn down the damn heat!

Friday, June 5, 2009

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,
Sometimes I sit and I think too much. My mind is always going.. I always have to know everything that may affect my world.. In doing so, I find out things that now I wish I didn't.
They say that every body has that proverbial straw that will break the camels back.. am I getting close to finding out what mine is?
Sometimes I think, life with out the love I know.. and my chest starts to heave, my breathing becomes erratic and my heart begins to race. I've never been so scared to be with out. I've never been one to need so much. I've never been one to let another have such hold over me. What is it about this person?
loving blind
Dear Loving blind,
Simple answers to what you would think are not so simple questions.. You love this person, everything about them. You love that look in his eyes and the sparkle they get when they smile at you. You love the sound of their voice when they call your name. The touch of their hand when you feel alone. You love how they know.. exactly when your soul needs massaged. You love them for all the little things they do and how they always find a way to make you laugh and smile. You love them because they love you so well.. and no matter how hard you try, you can't stay mad. You love them because.. they are so lovable. They love you so well. In your heart of hearts you know.. you are theirs.. and they are yours.
Your Diary

If ever...perhaps

If ever I was a wanderer of the seven seas Perhaps I would find the time To see what you see in me Perhaps I would find the time If ever I was a private eye seeking out the lies Perhaps I could find the time To see what lies behind those eyes Perhaps I could find the time If ever I was somebody else watching us Perhaps I feel the time To see how we are with out the fuss Perhaps I feel the time If ever I got the chance to start all over I know I would Promise to be your forever lover I know I would

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Knowing when to give up

Not exactly what you might think....
Driving down the road I get flashed by the traffic camera. Those things are so tricky, slightest bit over the white line when stopping....FLASH..picture taken, ticket issued..expect it in the mail with in 7-10 days (notice I did not say business days, because tickets are a Monday through Friday kind of job).... So here is a list of events following my slightly over the white line ticket in the mail....
So, there is a ticket..damn..a lot of controversy over those damn traffic here is what I did next... Yes being the smart ass I love to be..mailed the sheriff's department a picture of money.

Yeah our local sheriff department didnt find that too funny..... they sent me..a picture of handcuffs..sometimes I like handcuffs but not when being carted to jail...

But I'm still in a playfull mood.... So I send them a picture of the border...Let's run for the border!!! Viva la Mexico!!!

Boy they really need a sense of humor.... that didn't go over to well.... They called me and requested I turn on the news. Boy oh boy...was I surprised...all those men in uniforms, handcuffs..and tear gas..not exactly what I had in mind..

So the final outcome....yes..enough is enough..I gave up..mainly because I don't like those canisters filled with tear gas, which btw are never accidentally filled with laughing gas....

Moral? Pay the ticket... (This never really happened...just thought it would be funny to write something not so serious about things that you could..but should

Monday, April 20, 2009


I sit and I wonder I sit and I think I sit and listen Did you hear the thunder? My soul on the brink The rain makes the world glisten I hear what is being said I hear what isn't being told I hear words unspoken The feelings of the lover's dread The promise I made I will uphold True love remains unbroken Look deeper in your eyes I see the soul looking back at me Feel the strings of my heart being pulled Looking away, can't let you see that my heart cries Searching for the good memory Knowing to well neither can be fooled Through all the happy times Through all the painful moments Through all the sands of life There are lover's unspoken crimes Wading slowly with life's torments Loving even in the afterlife To take and fill in the pain Give more joyful tears Loving touches soft and tender No uncertainty on this train Brush away the needless fears As I sit reading love notes of the great pretender

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Mixed emotions

Rantings and ravings Yearnings and cravings Loving you loving me Waiting and seeing So big so hard full deck missing card holding on letting go letting..whoa no, not letting go that is never an option..i love him BIG and HARD not letting go. I feel him, every minute of the day I can feel him. I need him..his love, his touch..i miss him..his words, his touch, the way the wind blows his hair, the way he says exactly what I need to hear wth out saying so...i want him, like no other, to hold me, to kiss me, to give me that love he is so good at giving. I also feel the heart is heavy, his heart is heavy. I want to fight for him. To protect him for once let somebody else be there for him instead of him needing to do it all on his own, yes it is possible for such a strong man to need help...I know I may not be able to do much but if I could just get him to hear me...maybe that would help..maybe it would not be so hard for him.. Ranting ravings.... Yearnings Cravings Loving you loving me Waiting and seeing So big so hard Holding your hand Keeping you close Never letting go.. I got you boys..i got you

Friday, April 10, 2009

Devotion...The Long Haul downs topsy turvys never knowing what is going to happen.
Once in a lifetime you come across a love that you only read about.
I have that love of a lifetime. I was not looking for it, I prayed for a lover who would love me completely, undconditionally with out restrictions..and my prayer was answered.
After talking to a friend about being tired of being hurt and played, I was introduced to a man whose first words were "I hear you have a broken heart". Playfully I responded "Yes I do, can you help me heal?" and when he looked at me and said "darlin you came to the right place", my heart melted. We talked and talked and found we had a lot in common.
He looks into my eyes, his finger traces my eyebrow and trails down the side of my face and leans in and gives me the sweetest most passionate kiss I have ever felt in my life. I knew then I was hooked.
It has been almost 6 months...I won't lie and say it has been smooth sailing, because it hasn't, but every bump tossed infront of us we over came and it only brought us closer. We realized early on, we had to stop fighting each other while others fought to keep us apart...we needed to stand back to back and fight together against the rest. This has made all the difference in our world.
It is amazing when you find the person who no matter how far or how close they are, you always feel them.
He has opened my eyes and heart. Taken a shattered soul and spirit and mended them back better than before. He nutures my mind and my heart. He is my only desire..
Baby, I know you will read this one day and I wanted you to know that you are my world. You words stay with me every day as I walk through life. You remind me of the person I am. The little things you say and do are more powerful than any thing else. There is so much your love has done for me and I am forever thankful for that.
You have taught me about myself, the person who I had left behind and forgotten but you brought her back and when you did she came back stronger and more vibrant than ever. You opened her eyes to the Secret...showed her love, real love.
I promise you love, through all of our life...I will love you and I will always be yours.
Yours forever and a day..for the long haul, never wavering..yours xoxo

Serious...Domestic Violence

She sits alone day after day wondering what happened? Where did SHE go wrong? What did SHE do that caused her this pain? She didn't mean to look at him that way...she didn't mean to move towards him as if to cause him to act that way...She didn't mean to miss his phone call while she went to the bathroom, maybe she should have taken the phone with her while she was in there..sometimes she forgets that it's not what she wants it is what he wants..period. Now she looks in the mirror and she brushes her hair and she cringes cause her head hurts so bad, she can't bare to really look in the mirror at the bruise down the side of her face that is the perfect size of his fist, or the dark marks on her right eyelid or under her left eye or the swollen nose and how red it is..or the bruising on her lip and down her chin..all she wanted that night was to go to sleep with out a fight, with out an arguement that lasted into the wee hours of the morning leaving her feeling tired and restless. Maybe she should have just said yes you are right as always..Instead she was going to call for help because he seemed to be on a war path like none she had ever seen before. She reaches for the piece of paper with phone numbers scribbled on it nothing hidden nothing new on it, just a pice of paper with contacts on it in case she needed to call somebody..a piece of paper he had seen a thousand times before and well aware of what was written on it..but that night he acted as if it was a piece of paper that if she took it would end his life...but in reality taken that piece of paper almost ended hers.. As she walked out of her bedroom cell phone in hand heading towards the front door to make her phone call to have his sister come get him, he reaches out grabs her arm and being much stronger than she is spins her around and onto the couch..screaming at her..demanding she hand over the piece of paper..telling her to give it to him now..she refuses telling him it why do you want it, its the same numbers you seen day after day.."GIVE ME THE GOD DAMN PIECE OF PAPER" and the next thing she knew a hard smack upside the face, throwing her hand up to block the next blow she accidentally hits his face..a pure look of evil overcomes him..the look in his eyes..pitch black, no soul behind them he tells her "so this is how it is going to be?" she is screaming for him to get off her...please get off me..stop it..he grabs her arms and places them under his legs sitting on them she cant move..he pulls he huge arm back forms a fist, she turns her head and he punches her in the side of the head..she screams out "HELP ME PLEASE SOMEBODY" He pulls back and hits her again and again, her nose, her mouth..punching her nonstop over and over..he is a big man, does landscaping for aliving..hauling tons of soil, rock, you name it day after day...she is just a mother no muscle to her arms at all..just enough strength in her body to lift what needs lifting..but no real strength..not like his..a strengths she knew he had but never witnessed at this abusive end, in all the years she knew him, never has she been hit by this man. As she lays there kicking her feet trying to break free he pulls at her purse causing it to strangle her she is gasping for air trying to scream as loud as she can for somebody to hear her to save her, she prays "Please don't let me die like this, not at his hands" "PLEASE HELP ME..HELP ME.." she is gagging on the taste of her blood running into her mouth she can barely see anything her eyes swollen burning from her tears and cuts..All at once she can breath and move..saved by her brother and before she realized it she was on the phone to 911 as her brother held this man in a choke hold, she tells him "Let him go and go get mom" doing as she asked 911 answered "911 whats your emergency?" "Help husband beat me up" "Ma'am where are you" "I am in my dining room" "Where is he?" "He is in the wait he is walking out to the porch, please send cops" "Ma'am, I am going to connect you to dispatch ok?" "Please don't hang up on me..I am scared please" "Ma'am stay calm tell dispatch where you are located" "Yes ok..just please hurry" "Cleveland dispatch, what do you need, police fire or EMS?" "Police please" "What seems to be the problem Ma'am?" "My husband beat me, I am bleeding please help me" "Ma'am where is he?""He is sitting on the front porch saying he is going home to his parents" "Police are on their way are you located at 1234 crying for help?" "Yes Ma'am" "what is he wearing?" "He has on a burgundy tshirt and blue jeans a green baseball cap""Ok Ma'am do you want to stay on the phone till a car arrives?" "Yes please don't hang up" "OK Ma'am let me know when they arrive...where does his parent's live?" "That's just it..his parents are dead..have been for 5-6 yrs" "So he can't go to his parents..what does he mean going home to his parents?" "I dont know if I knew I would understand it....the police just arrived" "OK Ma'am I am hanging up now go talk to the police" "Thank you"She walks slowly down her stairs the driving officer starts rolling down his window he pauses looks at her face stops rolling down his window opens his door and asked "Which guy?" she slowly points to the man in the burgundy shirt standing by the car yelling for her to give him the keys so he can go home..Tears rolling down her face stinging she can barely see. She hurts so bad both inside and out..physically and mentally...why her? why tonight? She watches as they frisk him..emptying his pockets..cuffing him and removing his hat..he yells to her "They took off my hat, they are gonna sell it" She is confused..did she hear him cry to her as if to save him? Next thing is to give a quick written statement to the police officer and head to the ER to make sure nothing is broken or permantely damaged. For the next few days she is phone calls, no emails, no nothing..just crying...crying and hurting...she can't sleep cause it hurts to lay her head down..she cant breath cause her nose is still clogged with blood clots..she sneezes and starts bleeding again..her head is pounding..she wants to die...Then a voice inside her comes to life..."You can't give up..your children need you..don't let him promised yourself you would never put yourself in this situation told him 8 yrs ago...if he ever put his hands on you one time..that was now it has never thought it would but it did, he may not remember but your face does, the pictures you see remember, now is your time to be true to you. Do what keeps you happy and makes you what you are."What you have just read was not a story from Law and Order or is a real life story, something that happened to me not long ago. A night that would change my way of thinking from this point on. I found myself, as hard as it may be to know what I mean to some of you, it is true. For so long I did what everybody wanted me to. I wanted to please everybody at the same time, to make sure everybody was happy, and most of all that everybody liked me. During these past years I lost one very important person, myself. I was so busy pleasing the people that I lost track of what was really important, myself. Time and time again I held back my thoughts and went with the general population. As long as they were happy, all was good and dandy..but it wasn't cause inside there was a voice I muted long ago screaming to be heard. I finally heard it, and yes it took a beating to hear it but I heard it and now, I live every day for me. What I want, not caring what others want me to say or is my time to be happy for me. I say what I want and do as I please. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I don't take into consideration what my friends and family think or feel. I just mean that I am my own person, I think for myself. I am not out to hurt anybody if you think that is what I meant. These day's it is all about what is gonna make me happy? Not at the expense of my family or friends, but what makes me happy.Domestic violence is a growing problem in every part of the world. It has gotten to the point that it is taken so serious these days that even calling a household member out of their name ie..a bitch a slut, a tramp a whore, a bastard a name is now abuse. Verbal and physical abuse is now linked as one. No man or woman has their right to put their hands on another person the so call love in a manner to hurt them or cause harm to them. What is domestic violence? Let's go to wikipedia for a clearer understanding: is an excerpt...please click on the link above for more on this terrifying issue.Domestic violence (also known as domestic abuse or spousal abuse) occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate another. Domestic violence often refers to violence between spouses, or spousal abuse but can also include cohabitants and non-married intimate partners. Domestic violence occurs in all cultures; people of all races, ethnicities, religions, sexes and classes can be perpetrators of domestic violence. Domestic violence is perpetrated by both men and women.Domestic violence has many forms, including physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intimidation, economic deprivation, and threats of violence. Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence. There are a number of dimensions including mode - physical, psychological, sexual and/or social; frequency - on/off, occasional, chronic; and severity – in terms of both psychological or physical harm and the need for treatment – transitory or permanent injury – mild, moderate, severe up to homicide.Recent attention to domestic violence began in the women's movement, particularly feminism and women's rights, in the 1970s, as concern about wives being beaten by their husbands gained attention. Awareness and documentation of domestic violence differs from country to country. Estimates are that only about a third of cases of domestic violence are actually reported in the United States and the United Kingdom. According to the Centers for Disease Control, domestic violence is a serious, preventable public health problem affecting more than 32 million Americans, or more than 10% of the U.S. population.[1]Popular emphasis has tended to be on women as the victims of domestic violence. However, with the rise of the men's movement, and particularly masculism and men's rights, there is now advocacy for men victimized by women.Please also check this website: you or somebody you know is in a situation like this please, I beg you please get help or get them help.This is not a joke, Domestic Violence is real and it can kill...I know, I almost died that night and he would have never remembered..

Was collecting dust...

This is an older poem that I've had sitting around, thought maybe I would share with you. Enjoy...
How many times can a heart be brokenHow many tears can a person cry?
Before we realize the heart isn't a cheap token
Before we realize it is less painful to die How can you love somebody so much
Even though they cause so much heartbreak
But you can't live with out their touch
you give and give and they take and take How often will you doubt who you are?
Thinking, is it about me?
Knowing true deep love will carry you far
asking yourself, will they really ever see? When all the laughter dies.
We'll see nothingness and realize.
But does it matter then when all the laughter dies?
When all that's left are lies,
there'll be nothing left to realize..
when all that's left are lies.


Hello, so you have stumbled upon my spot eh? Welcome to my page where I will share with you thoughts, fears, writings and pictures. I will give you a glimpse into my mind, although have to warn you...some of it .. well...I'll let you find out for yourself. I created this blog after sitting here thinking all these thoughts and not having anywhere to really put them and know that they may touch somebody or make somebody laugh or say "Hey, that is exactly how I feel..I'm not alone" I had another blog that has since been forgotten. I will be posting some of those thoughts here. I will share with you teachings I have been taught, and together we can travel a road together and feel connected. So, let's get started shall we?