I sit and I wonder I sit and I think I sit and listen Did you hear the thunder? My soul on the brink The rain makes the world glisten I hear what is being said I hear what isn't being told I hear words unspoken The feelings of the lover's dread The promise I made I will uphold True love remains unbroken Look deeper in your eyes I see the soul looking back at me Feel the strings of my heart being pulled Looking away, can't let you see that my heart cries Searching for the good memory Knowing to well neither can be fooled Through all the happy times Through all the painful moments Through all the sands of life There are lover's unspoken crimes Wading slowly with life's torments Loving even in the afterlife To take and fill in the pain Give more joyful tears Loving touches soft and tender No uncertainty on this train Brush away the needless fears As I sit reading love notes of the great pretender
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Rantings and ravings Yearnings and cravings Loving you loving me Waiting and seeing So big so hard full deck missing card holding on letting go letting..whoa no, not letting go that is never an option..i love him BIG and HARD not letting go. I feel him, every minute of the day I can feel him. I need him..his love, his touch..i miss him..his words, his touch, the way the wind blows his hair, the way he says exactly what I need to hear wth out saying so...i want him, like no other, to hold me, to kiss me, to give me that love he is so good at giving. I also feel the other..my heart is heavy, his heart is heavy. I want to fight for him. To protect him for once let somebody else be there for him instead of him needing to do it all on his own, yes it is possible for such a strong man to need help...I know I may not be able to do much but if I could just get him to listen..to hear me...maybe that would help..maybe it would not be so hard for him.. Ranting ravings.... Yearnings Cravings Loving you loving me Waiting and seeing So big so hard Holding your hand Keeping you close Never letting go.. I got you boys..i got you
Friday, April 10, 2009
Life...ups downs topsy turvys never knowing what is going to happen.
Once in a lifetime you come across a love that you only read about.
I have that love of a lifetime. I was not looking for it, I prayed for a lover who would love me completely, undconditionally with out restrictions..and my prayer was answered.
After talking to a friend about being tired of being hurt and played, I was introduced to a man whose first words were "I hear you have a broken heart". Playfully I responded "Yes I do, can you help me heal?" and when he looked at me and said "darlin you came to the right place", my heart melted. We talked and talked and found we had a lot in common.
He looks into my eyes, his finger traces my eyebrow and trails down the side of my face and leans in and gives me the sweetest most passionate kiss I have ever felt in my life. I knew then I was hooked.
It has been almost 6 months...I won't lie and say it has been smooth sailing, because it hasn't, but every bump tossed infront of us we over came and it only brought us closer. We realized early on, we had to stop fighting each other while others fought to keep us apart...we needed to stand back to back and fight together against the rest. This has made all the difference in our world.
It is amazing when you find the person who no matter how far or how close they are, you always feel them.
He has opened my eyes and heart. Taken a shattered soul and spirit and mended them back better than before. He nutures my mind and my heart. He is my only desire..
Baby, I know you will read this one day and I wanted you to know that you are my world. You words stay with me every day as I walk through life. You remind me of the person I am. The little things you say and do are more powerful than any thing else. There is so much your love has done for me and I am forever thankful for that.
You have taught me about myself, the person who I had left behind and forgotten but you brought her back and when you did she came back stronger and more vibrant than ever. You opened her eyes to the Secret...showed her love, real love.
I promise you love, through all of our life...I will love you and I will always be yours.
Yours forever and a day..for the long haul, never wavering..yours xoxo
She sits alone day after day wondering what happened? Where did SHE go wrong? What did SHE do that caused her this pain? She didn't mean to look at him that way...she didn't mean to move towards him as if to cause him to act that way...She didn't mean to miss his phone call while she went to the bathroom, maybe she should have taken the phone with her while she was in there..sometimes she forgets that it's not what she wants it is what he wants..period. Now she looks in the mirror and she brushes her hair and she cringes cause her head hurts so bad, she can't bare to really look in the mirror at the bruise down the side of her face that is the perfect size of his fist, or the dark marks on her right eyelid or under her left eye or the swollen nose and how red it is..or the bruising on her lip and down her chin..all she wanted that night was to go to sleep with out a fight, with out an arguement that lasted into the wee hours of the morning leaving her feeling tired and restless. Maybe she should have just said yes you are right as always..Instead she was going to call for help because he seemed to be on a war path like none she had ever seen before. She reaches for the piece of paper with phone numbers scribbled on it nothing hidden nothing new on it, just a pice of paper with contacts on it in case she needed to call somebody..a piece of paper he had seen a thousand times before and well aware of what was written on it..but that night he acted as if it was a piece of paper that if she took it would end his life...but in reality taken that piece of paper almost ended hers.. As she walked out of her bedroom cell phone in hand heading towards the front door to make her phone call to have his sister come get him, he reaches out grabs her arm and being much stronger than she is spins her around and onto the couch..screaming at her..demanding she hand over the piece of paper..telling her to give it to him now..she refuses telling him it why do you want it, its the same numbers you seen day after day.."GIVE ME THE GOD DAMN PIECE OF PAPER" and the next thing she knew a hard smack upside the face, throwing her hand up to block the next blow she accidentally hits his face..a pure look of evil overcomes him..the look in his eyes..pitch black, no soul behind them he tells her "so this is how it is going to be?" she is screaming for him to get off her...please get off me..stop it..he grabs her arms and places them under his legs sitting on them she cant move..he pulls he huge arm back forms a fist, she turns her head and he punches her in the side of the head..she screams out "HELP ME PLEASE SOMEBODY" He pulls back and hits her again and again, her nose, her mouth..punching her nonstop over and over..he is a big man, does landscaping for aliving..hauling tons of soil, rock, you name it day after day...she is just a mother no muscle to her arms at all..just enough strength in her body to lift what needs lifting..but no real strength..not like his..a strengths she knew he had but never witnessed at this end..an abusive end, in all the years she knew him, never has she been hit by this man. As she lays there kicking her feet trying to break free he pulls at her purse causing it to strangle her she is gasping for air trying to scream as loud as she can for somebody to hear her to save her, she prays "Please don't let me die like this, not at his hands" "PLEASE HELP ME..HELP ME.." she is gagging on the taste of her blood running into her mouth she can barely see anything her eyes swollen burning from her tears and cuts..All at once she can breath and move..saved by her brother and before she realized it she was on the phone to 911 as her brother held this man in a choke hold, she tells him "Let him go and go get mom" doing as she asked 911 answered "911 whats your emergency?" "Help me...my husband beat me up" "Ma'am where are you" "I am in my dining room" "Where is he?" "He is in the bedroom..no wait he is walking out to the porch, please send cops" "Ma'am, I am going to connect you to dispatch ok?" "Please don't hang up on me..I am scared please" "Ma'am stay calm tell dispatch where you are located" "Yes ok..just please hurry" "Cleveland dispatch, what do you need, police fire or EMS?" "Police please" "What seems to be the problem Ma'am?" "My husband beat me, I am bleeding please help me" "Ma'am where is he?""He is sitting on the front porch saying he is going home to his parents" "Police are on their way are you located at 1234 crying for help?" "Yes Ma'am" "what is he wearing?" "He has on a burgundy tshirt and blue jeans a green baseball cap""Ok Ma'am do you want to stay on the phone till a car arrives?" "Yes please don't hang up" "OK Ma'am let me know when they arrive...where does his parent's live?" "That's just it..his parents are dead..have been for 5-6 yrs" "So he can't go to his parents..what does he mean going home to his parents?" "I dont know if I knew I would understand it....the police just arrived" "OK Ma'am I am hanging up now go talk to the police" "Thank you"She walks slowly down her stairs the driving officer starts rolling down his window he pauses looks at her face stops rolling down his window opens his door and asked "Which guy?" she slowly points to the man in the burgundy shirt standing by the car yelling for her to give him the keys so he can go home..Tears rolling down her face stinging she can barely see. She hurts so bad both inside and out..physically and mentally...why her? why tonight? She watches as they frisk him..emptying his pockets..cuffing him and removing his hat..he yells to her "They took off my hat, they are gonna sell it" She is confused..did she hear him cry to her as if to save him? Next thing is to give a quick written statement to the police officer and head to the ER to make sure nothing is broken or permantely damaged. For the next few days she is MIA..no phone calls, no emails, no nothing..just crying...crying and hurting...she can't sleep cause it hurts to lay her head down..she cant breath cause her nose is still clogged with blood clots..she sneezes and starts bleeding again..her head is pounding..she wants to die...Then a voice inside her comes to life..."You can't give up..your children need you..don't let him win...you promised yourself you would never put yourself in this situation again..you told him 8 yrs ago...if he ever put his hands on you one time..that was it..so now it has happened..you never thought it would but it did, he may not remember but your face does, the pictures you see remember, now is your time to be true to you. Do what keeps you happy and makes you what you are."What you have just read was not a story from Law and Order or CSI...it is a real life story, something that happened to me not long ago. A night that would change my way of thinking from this point on. I found myself, as hard as it may be to know what I mean to some of you, it is true. For so long I did what everybody wanted me to. I wanted to please everybody at the same time, to make sure everybody was happy, and most of all that everybody liked me. During these past years I lost one very important person, myself. I was so busy pleasing the people that I lost track of what was really important, myself. Time and time again I held back my thoughts and went with the general population. As long as they were happy, all was good and dandy..but it wasn't cause inside there was a voice I muted long ago screaming to be heard. I finally heard it, and yes it took a beating to hear it but I heard it and now, I live every day for me. What I want, not caring what others want me to say or think...it is my time to be happy for me. I say what I want and do as I please. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I don't take into consideration what my friends and family think or feel. I just mean that I am my own person, I think for myself. I am not out to hurt anybody if you think that is what I meant. These day's it is all about what is gonna make me happy? Not at the expense of my family or friends, but what makes me happy.Domestic violence is a growing problem in every part of the world. It has gotten to the point that it is taken so serious these days that even calling a household member out of their name ie..a bitch a slut, a tramp a whore, a bastard a cunt...you name it..it is now abuse. Verbal and physical abuse is now linked as one. No man or woman has their right to put their hands on another person the so call love in a manner to hurt them or cause harm to them. What is domestic violence? Let's go to wikipedia for a clearer understanding:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violenceHere is an excerpt...please click on the link above for more on this terrifying issue.Domestic violence (also known as domestic abuse or spousal abuse) occurs when a family member, partner or ex-partner attempts to physically or psychologically dominate another. Domestic violence often refers to violence between spouses, or spousal abuse but can also include cohabitants and non-married intimate partners. Domestic violence occurs in all cultures; people of all races, ethnicities, religions, sexes and classes can be perpetrators of domestic violence. Domestic violence is perpetrated by both men and women.Domestic violence has many forms, including physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intimidation, economic deprivation, and threats of violence. Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence. There are a number of dimensions including mode - physical, psychological, sexual and/or social; frequency - on/off, occasional, chronic; and severity – in terms of both psychological or physical harm and the need for treatment – transitory or permanent injury – mild, moderate, severe up to homicide.Recent attention to domestic violence began in the women's movement, particularly feminism and women's rights, in the 1970s, as concern about wives being beaten by their husbands gained attention. Awareness and documentation of domestic violence differs from country to country. Estimates are that only about a third of cases of domestic violence are actually reported in the United States and the United Kingdom. According to the Centers for Disease Control, domestic violence is a serious, preventable public health problem affecting more than 32 million Americans, or more than 10% of the U.S. population.Popular emphasis has tended to be on women as the victims of domestic violence. However, with the rise of the men's movement, and particularly masculism and men's rights, there is now advocacy for men victimized by women.Please also check this website:http://www.domesticviolence.org/If you or somebody you know is in a situation like this please, I beg you please get help or get them help.This is not a joke, Domestic Violence is real and it can kill...I know, I almost died that night and he would have never remembered..
This is an older poem that I've had sitting around, thought maybe I would share with you. Enjoy...
How many times can a heart be brokenHow many tears can a person cry?
Before we realize the heart isn't a cheap token
Before we realize it is less painful to die How can you love somebody so much
Even though they cause so much heartbreak
But you can't live with out their touch
you give and give and they take and take How often will you doubt who you are?
Thinking, is it about me?
Knowing true deep love will carry you far
asking yourself, will they really ever see? When all the laughter dies.
We'll see nothingness and realize.
But does it matter then when all the laughter dies?
When all that's left are lies,
there'll be nothing left to realize..
when all that's left are lies.
Hello, so you have stumbled upon my spot eh? Welcome to my page where I will share with you thoughts, fears, writings and pictures. I will give you a glimpse into my mind, although have to warn you...some of it .. well...I'll let you find out for yourself. I created this blog after sitting here thinking all these thoughts and not having anywhere to really put them and know that they may touch somebody or make somebody laugh or say "Hey, that is exactly how I feel..I'm not alone" I had another blog that has since been forgotten. I will be posting some of those thoughts here. I will share with you teachings I have been taught, and together we can travel a road together and feel connected. So, let's get started shall we?