What do you do?

What do you do when you feel your world slipping away? Your heart feels shattered and your soul is no longer your own? Who do you run to, who do you talk to? Do you pray it all gets better and easier? Do you return to a past and tell them what a mistake it was to let them go, do you tell them what happened and ask to have them back in your life? What do you do, where do you go? Whose holding you when you have nothing left to hold on to?

I..wish, want, dream List

Normally I never state what it is I want or would like to have. I normally make sure that the kids get all they want. This year, I have decided to make a dream list for a few reasons. 1. Lost weight, need sexier clothes (yay me!) 2. It is time that I do for myself as well as for my children 3. It is my year So that being said.. this blog will be filled with things I want, not necessarily need, just want. If I can I will attach photos of things. First off since I lost 35 lbs I want new clothes and yes, I have found some to start me off with the sexy feelings I am aiming for. They are froma store called Torrid, it deals in clothes for the bigger women in life. I may have lost 35 lbs but I am far from the super model type as far as body goes. this is an halter/belt New Addition to list::: Not sure what it is lately but I am loving these types of dresses!

again, who wouldnt feel sexy? I like these tops That is all on the clothing front.. for now :-)

I really want to move into a new state, anywhere but Ohio! Warmer would be nice. Any ideas?

Because I love cooking and my knives are pretty flimsy.. i want the Ronco knive set https://www.ronco.com/knives/Default.aspx?source=google-knives Because I love to read I want my bookshelf to have the following books: Dan Brown ~ Lost Symbol P. C. Cast ~ Tempted; Hunted; Untamed; Chosen; Betrayed and Marked Kelley Armstrong ~ Frostbitten; Summoning; Living with the dead; No Humans Involved; Haunted; Industrial Magic and Dime Store Magic This desk is very practical for me. I like being orgainized and at 100 bucks it isnt a bad price either. A nice soft comfortable rocking chair. As my list grows and my wants come to me I will add more or take away as I get them. Let's see how much I can accomplish :-)

Missing You

Missing you

My heart aches within from missing you My lips long for the feel of kissing you Right now all I need is to gently touch your skin To look into yoru eyes from deep within Just one warm embrace Just to look upon your face From the one I love so much If I could gaze upon your smile For even jsut a little while To know that you miss me too As I am laying here, crying for you To hear the sound of your breath Knowing you didnt really leave To see you walk up to me Then embrace you tenderly To just be with the one who has sent my heart reeling And brought about this down pour of emotions and feeling I've told you many thoughts that weren't borrowed or bought And in a lifetime, who would have thought That I have found someone was meant just for me I can't explain the magic or why this should be But there is something I know for certain That this just ain't over till the down falls the final curtain For I've seen angel and I want you to know It's my choice to make, I'll never let you go. Don't know what life holds, maybe there is no reason or rhyme To think you may be mine all of the time And though I can't touch yiou and now we are apart My love, you will forever dwell so deep with my soul and heart.

Wishing

Hours feel like days, the memories fill my mind. My heart laying before me in a million pieces as my tears fall down upon the papers that I started writing on. All the words are blurred all the i's dotted with tears. I miss my love myheart my all and I can only sit and wonder why I lost the one I truly belong to. What have I done, where do I go? A love so strong and pure and true and real is gone. I have once again failed at being the one. I hold true to dreams that one day she will return to me. Tell me she loves me that I am hers and she is mine. I sit and think about all the plans we made for when it is our time and I cry, I sit and think about all we have gone through and I cry, I can't stop, I have tried. Her love is forever embedded on my soul. I feel her, I breathe her, I love her. Wishing As I look out at the majestic sky As tears fall from eyes I know you and I were meant to be I only wish I could make you see How much your love means to me I wish I could walk up to you And speak the words lovers do But now I sit here sad and blue Wishing that I could be with you

Heart Soul Body Mind

I give to you my heart I give it to you freely For this is only a start In return for the love you gave me I give to you soul I give it with out demand For you mended me two fold And kept ahold of my hand I give to you my body Oh how your touch melts me Never feeling shoddy Pleasures roll over me like waves in the sea I give to you mind You opened it like a book Your love I'll never confine To think, it started with one look

My dearest love

Sometimes I cry when I am happy I laugh when I am scared I'm quiet when I am at peace or go crazy when nothing is wrong Sometimes I am extra sappy I come forward with emotions bared I sigh with a happy release Knowing all was right all along I know I drive you crazy At times you want to scream I'm as gentle as can be Loving you as you love me Never let my love seem hazey You are my perfect dream Just say you will forever love me Knowing this will pass, you'll see I have my moments when things Overwhelm and consume my mind Sometimes only I can understand Sometimes only I can make it stop I can never be a puppet on strings Or walk around being blind even as the waves hit the sand Forever know my love for you i'll never swap Just bare with me and believe in me Knowing the moments never mean my love for you has changed or faded It's a lot stronger today than the day before Smile at me and hold my hand, you'll see this feeling won't last long and all will be supreme I never want you to feel lost or jaded I will forever love you each day more and more. I am your baby girl you are my papa bear we stay side by side hand in hand Facing the world this love isnt to share Yes I know I have my stubborn pride But I will never stop loving my husband. Baby, forgive my foolish self. I know I drive you crazy and for the first time since forever, you admitted that I fustrate the hell out of you and when you said it out loud... I had to stop and not say anything because, I thought "oh god, It's gone to far" and it scared me to think what that meant so I didnt try to think on it. I know I have really high emotions as it is and sometimes they are a lot higher. Sometimes when I say I am okay, and I may not really be but I know in my heart it is only my emotions getting the better of me and I dont need for you to feel bad or get upset over it, and i know i just need a few minutes and maybe a little holding and cuddling to get over it. I love you and I never want you to feel bad for having a life or being busy or or or... we dont do that, we never have. Just need for you to trust me when I say I am okay because if it was something really upsetting me we would talk, but if it is just my hormones then I dont want to worry you over it. I am so very sorry love. I dont want you to feel like you hve to walk on eggshells with me. It really isn't like that. I love you baby, my sweet sweet papa bear. Sleep well knowing I am holding you all night close to me feeling your love and your kisses on my skin. I am now and forever, your baby girl loving you loving me FAAD NMW yours xoxo

Starting Over: Serious...Domestic Violence

Starting Over: Serious...Domestic Violence

You're My Best Friend Lyrics ~ Tim McGraw

For you baby, all for you. (Even thought it is not something I wrote, I changed it for you love)

I never had anyone I could count on Ive been let down so many times I was tired of hurtin So tired of searchin til you walked into my life It was a feelin Id never known And for the first time I didnt feel alone Youre more than a lover There could never be another To make me feel the way you do Oh we just get closer I fall in love all over Everytime I look at you I dont know where Id be Without you here with me Life with you makes perfect sense You're my best friend my best friend, oh yeah You stand by me And you believe in me Like nobody ever has When my world goes crazy You're right there to save me You make me see how much I have And I still tremble When we touch And oh the look in your eyes When we make love You're more than a lover There could never be another To make me feel the way you do Oh we just get closer I fall in love all over Everytime I look at you And I dont know where Id be Without you here with me Life with you makes perfect sense You're my best friend You're my best friend You're more than a lover There could never be another To make me feel the way you do Oh we just get closerI fall in love all over Everytime I look at you And I dont know where Id be Without you here with me Life with you makes perfect sense You're my best friend You're my best friend (my best friend) You're my best friend (my best friend)

Overcome...

by fear, every now and then, I feel it start in the pit of my stomach by fear, as it slowly moves upward, I lose a breath here and there by fear, as my heart begins to slow its beating, as if being strangled by fear, of words that just come out wrong or at the wrong time and my sensitive self goes right into fear of unknown. by love, your touch begins to sooth the trembling in my stomach by love, your touch begins to calm me and I can breathe again by love, your touch begins to soothe my soul and my heart beats steady once more by love, of words you speak to me in such a way that all my scares and fears melt away by love, your love, the love that has cared and cherished me this past year by love, your love, you always seem to know when to rub my heart a little more. There is no denying that what we have we never expected. What do we do? Where do we go? How can we make this easy, can it be easy? How can I live a day with out hearing from you. I am so spoiled. I've spent one night too many away from you, it scares me to think I have to again. I am sorry I am not that strong, I am sorry I didnt run from this. Instead I held on and I embraced it, your love, our life.. and what a wonderful joyous life we have with so much love and respect for each other. I love you, FAAD darlin, never wavering, never straying, only growing stronger and deeper for nobody but YOU. Yours xoxo

A promise and A Kiss

When I close my eyes at night Softly whispering into the air Even though you are out of my sight Take a breath and know I am there There is no distance to far for me My love is strong and true No ocean to wide and neither the sea Can keep me from loving you My heart is yours I promise this My love will never fade or end My promise to you sealed with a kiss For not only my lover but my best friend My darlin heart, There are many time when through out my day you are on my mind and in my thoughts. As I walk down the street or do my shopping, I always wonder how we would be together in public. I dream of you holding my hand and kissing me every chance you get. I think about laying with you at night and being the last thing I see, then to wake in the morning and see your gorgeous face. I dream of the day when it will never end, when I am with you and never have to leave. We have a great love story building, one for the books to be sure. I've never loved so hard and strong as I love you my darling. You are not only my lover, my husband my companion, but my best friend, my other. You are the half that makes me whole the one I belong to, I can not fathom not having you some how or some way in my life every day. Please I ask this of you now, stay mine, stay forever, keep me always and know that my love for you will always be, for you only. Love your baby girl your devoted wife Me

You The one I love With all I am I am all yours Never have I ever thought I could love somebody so much as I love you. All I wish to do is make you happy. To try and be all you need. To be enough for you, to be able to satisfy your needs. I know our time is not now, but it will be and I hold on to that, close to my heart. I love you, wth every fiber of my being, I am in love with you. So very much in love wiht you.

You....

are the reason I smile. Turn the lights down low, turn the music on and lets sway slowly together as the moon cascades across the night sky and our shadows move rhythmically together with us. Our love surrounds our space as we entwine our bodies together, dancing, loving and being...Us..it always comes back to what matters most. Us.

Love Notes

I love you. You are the air I breathe, the tears I shed, the love I feel and the love I give. You are everything I need and want. My heart, mind body and soul are yours. Through all our life, no matter the situation, I love you and I always will. I am now and forever, your baby girl xoxo

Dear Timmy

Dear Timmy, Today is July 13, 2009. I got the phone call last night telling me you are gone. I miss you. You were like an older brother to me. You and I had talked numerous times about everything, life love death.. and now you are gone. You promised me you would be alright that you would call me and we were suppose to have coffee today. We should be sitting at star bucks right now drinking coffee and talking. When you smiled you lit up the whole room. Your laugh was contagious and your heart enormous.. and yourgift has been taken away from those who loved you very much. I will miss you my dear friend, and I know where ever you are you are with out pain and you are watching over me like you always did. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRyKg5xMaXA ~ Go rest high on that Mountain http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yb2NW3QfonI ~ it's so hard to say good bye Love always, Your friend Me

New meaning to spicing up your sex life

Wanted to post a previous blog from an old account onto the new site.. Enjoy OK, so you're walking down a main street in your city..it's a bit busy today but you can't help but to over hear a conversation that just makes you laugh so hard..It goes something like this... Girl one: "I just don't know..the sex seems so boring lately" Girl two: "Have you tried spicing it up?" Girl one: "No he wont use food during sex" In my head "OMFG is she serious..laughing my ass off!!!!" I really believe this is not what the first girl meant..but then I started to think...hmm what spices would you use to "spice" up your sex life? So i started investigating other things on the web..not those magazines who say they talked to 100 men and this is what they want..pfft whatever..if more men really wanted that...then more women would be happy with the way they look and wouldn't try so hard to please a man..such a load of crap really.. but ok..here we go.. Cinnamon given to a man is suppose to make his sperm taste sweet...supposedly making us girls want to give oral more often..have not tried this because I am single in RL and wont do this on a random guy..but supposedly he has to eat cinnamon a few times during the week before this takes effect... Nutmeg is suppose to boost the male libido, according to research at Aligarh University in India..so if he lacks sexual desire...feed him some nutmeg..maybe a glass of eggnog sprinkled with nutmeg 5 times a week..i don't get it either...but it's gotta be cheaper than the little blue pill eh? Or if he likes curry..it's an ingredient in curry so cook up a nice dinner laced with nutmeg and enjoy the effect. If ya search google for sex and spices you get some very odd topics..so I suggest you to read em and see if any strike your fancy..who knows..maybe there is an ingredient out that that will make him a God at making love and maybe...just maybe...you won't have to fake it the next time around..

Finding yourself

Sometimes in life things happen and you have no control over them, but when it happens you take a step back and look at your life from an outside point of view..It's amazing what you find when you do that. Every now and then it takes a life changing experience to make that happen. When you do, you look at yourself in a different way..and you think..where did I go? Where have I been? Why has it taken so long to get back to me? Then you realize...life isn't about pleasing everybody you meet..but pleasing yourself..making you happy like you use to before drama started to break you down. You make the decision right there and then..this time around it's gonna be you who is happy...and you remember...those who mind don't matter those who matter don't mind. A few favorite quotes I have heard over time.. If I am not worth the wooing I damn sure ain't worth the winning. Too much of a good thing can be wonderful I'm selfish, impatient, and a lil' insecure. I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times hard to handle but if you can't take me at my WORST then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my BEST!! Never regret anything that made you smile. Love like you never been hurt, smile like you are up to something, live like there is no tomorrow and enjoy each day as if you will live forever. *~*Never give up on yourself...always believe in you..if you don't then nobody else will. You are your own biggest fan, love yourself before anybody else and know that with a little bit of faith, you can move moutains...*~*

Fears, phobias and the humor of it looking from the out side in

Okay okay, in my old blog I had posted a blog that joked about fears and over coming them. I will copy that post here.. but I have to say this.. I am terrified of centipedes, they are unnatural and gross and freak me out! I am very serious here.. there is no way in the world that I can ever have sex with those things around me.. OMG eeww eeww.. I bring this up because the other night I was sitting outside talking to a neighbor and one crossed over my foot and I screamed and told her it was time for me to go in the house.. I HATE THOSE THINGS! Here is the post:: Ok so I was watching an episode of Monk (http://www.usanetwork.com/series/monk/) and if you know anything about Monk..you know he has tons of fears. So I got to thinking, how would I over come one of my biggest fears? I figure I would do something I absolutely love doing while doing something I fear. Lose you yet? Ok check this out.... My biggest fear..heights. I am scared to death of heights. I see it on TV when they do the shot off the side of the building my knees get weak. I see a shot out the side of an airplane I get sick to my stomach. I am that afraid of heights...But what do I love doing more than being afraid of heights? Why sex of course. I love sex especially when the man is good at it. Oh yes ladies, we all know men like that..the kind who rocked your world and every time you think of him you get all flabergasted and could cream jus thinking about it.(YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) So I figure it like this maybe I can talk the owners of the tallest building in my city into letting me go up on the roof top and have sex, I would be able to conquer my fear of heights and have an orgasm..and who knows maybe the best sex in my life!!!! So I tell a few people my plans and I get questions..what if you have a fear of spiders and snakes? I don't see having sex in a snake pit of spider web..what you do is get a glass box big enough for 2 with snakes and spiders crawling on the outside of the box...you are perfectly safe from them.. Yes incase you can't tell..if you really enjoy sex and it is done right, it may help you cure your fears. Or I just wanted a reason to write about things and include sex in it. My friend asked what about if you fear clowns? You have sex with a clown? No way...having sex with a clown is just creepy and besides..they taste funny if you give them oral and kissing them is just odd.. they wear more lipstick than you do. Then you get their make up all over your face then you go down to give them oral and you pull back and their multicolored and then you start laughing and ruin the whole thing...No to cure your fear of clowns you dont have sex with them...you have sex around them...have clown sheets, clown pictures I wouldnt have a real clown around though...that is creepy too. If you are afraid of it and really put some thought into it, you can probably have sex to cure it.

For my pal...smiles

I cannot ease your aching heart, Nor take your pain away; But let me stay and take your hand And walk with you today. I'll listen when you need to talk, I'll wipe away your tears; I'll share your worries when they come, I'll help you face your fears. I'm here and I will stand by you ,On each hill you have to climb; So take my hand, let's face the world... And live just one day at a time. You're not alone, for I'm still here, I'll go that extra mile; And when your grief is easier, I'll help you learn to smile!

Somebody turn off the damn heat!

She walks into the room a smile on her face, the wind is blowing a nice cool breeze. She sways her hips walks with her head up. Smiling at the children as she passes them in play. She turns the corner.. OMFG.. who turned on the heat? She is dizzy, sweating.. feels like she is on fire.. her palms are clammy, her eyes unfocused.. she sits.. doesnt matter where.. the nearest sturdy place.. ah yes the floor.. solid, unmoving.. lean against the wall and slide to the floor.. Dear Lord, these have to pass.. yes sweating in summer is normal.. when it is hot.. but to sweat just to sweat? Give me the cold showers, the fan in the winter, keep me cool don't let me lose my cool. Give me my evening primrose and vitamin E's.. just stop turning up the damn heat!

They say men are the cause to our problems because everything major happening to us has the word man or his in it..

MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist

and when its a REAL problem...

HISterectomy

but I recently heard a man tell a friend.. you know they named it right MEN O PAUSE, cause when those hot flashes start.. that is exactly what we do.. We don't go near them till it's over.. we pause.. Men O Pause is the right name.. I laughed.. I thought.. pause hell, just stop in your tracks turn around and walk away, if you value your life.

So I say again.. I can take the yelling kids, I can take the mood swings, just give me the cool showers, give me the pills, give me a day with out turning from sweet to bitch in less than 3 seconds.. just turn down the damn heat!

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I sit and I think too much. My mind is always going.. I always have to know everything that may affect my world.. In doing so, I find out things that now I wish I didn't.

They say that every body has that proverbial straw that will break the camels back.. am I getting close to finding out what mine is?

Sometimes I think, life with out the love I know.. and my chest starts to heave, my breathing becomes erratic and my heart begins to race. I've never been so scared to be with out. I've never been one to need so much. I've never been one to let another have such hold over me. What is it about this person?

signed,

loving blind

Dear Loving blind,

Simple answers to what you would think are not so simple questions.. You love this person, everything about them. You love that look in his eyes and the sparkle they get when they smile at you. You love the sound of their voice when they call your name. The touch of their hand when you feel alone. You love how they know.. exactly when your soul needs massaged. You love them for all the little things they do and how they always find a way to make you laugh and smile. You love them because they love you so well.. and no matter how hard you try, you can't stay mad. You love them because.. they are so lovable. They love you so well. In your heart of hearts you know.. you are theirs.. and they are yours.

Signed,

Your Diary